Writing to Sanity

Today is the first day since last October that I’ve been able to look at some of my older entries at Writing to Sanity.

You see, when I moved to New Jersey at that time, I wanted nothing to do with my old life – good, bad, indifferent, it didn’t matter anymore.  Shattered beyond recognition, I refused to believe that I had written those earlier entries.

I can’t say much more now.  I will note that, because of a conversation I had with the Grasshopper today, I am ready to sneak a peek at where I was at emotionally and mentally before this life-altering time in New Jersey.  I’m not completely ready to re-publish EVERYTHING, but I will when I’m ready.

Here’s where I was ONE YEAR AGO.  (Interestingly enough, I was making a life-altering change then, too.)

This past November, I wrote a post on Writing to Sanity about encouraging literacy in our homes.  I started off by explaining that Ethan and Mary are voracious readers, and nothing pleases me more than to hear both talk excitedly about a new book that they’re reading.

At the time I wrote the post, they were reading a Choose Your Own Adventure book with my dad.  Since then, Ethan has received about ten different CYOA books because of his entrancement.  Say it with me: reading is a GIFT you give your child.

Colorin Colorado, a bilingual site for families and educators of English language learners explains the importance of child literacy:

“By giving your child the opportunity to read, you are giving them the opportunity to become stronger readers and students. The gift of reading may start with a simple book or story, but its rewards will be discovered years later when an adult remembers his favorite story as a child, succeeds in achieving her goals, and remembers story time as a part of the day that he/she would look forward to. The gift of reading lasts so much longer than the holidays — it truly is the gift of a lifetime, and is one of the most special things you can share with your children.”

Inspiring our children is easier than you might think!

• Share conversations with your child over meal times and other times when you are together. Children learn words more easily when they hear them spoken often.
• Introduce new and interesting words at every opportunity.
• Read together every day.  Spend time talking about stories, pictures, and words.
• Be your child’s best advocate.  Keep informed about your child’s progress in reading and as the teacher about ways you can help.
• Be a reader and a writer.  Children learn habits from the people around them.
• Visit the library often.  Story times, computers, homework help, and other exciting activities await the entire family.
• Get involved in your community!  The NIFL has a Literacy Directory you might find helpful: http://literacydirectory.org/

Reading can (and should) be enjoyable for every child.  As a mother, I’ve seen first-hand with my own children how much a child can love to read, if given the right tools.

This post is my first as contributor to the Yahoo! Mother Board.

Have you ever heard the “ding!” of your gas gauge and ignored it until you ran out of gas on the side of a highway or busy road?  No?  Me either.

Right.

I had my first (and hopefully, LAST) incident today while driving to a client’s house.  It was one of those situations where I knew I was low, but thought I had enough to get me where I was going, and I could get gas on my way home later.  Notsomuch.  I was sorta praying it was a faulty fuse that’s been known to give me trouble, but… hey, not a total loss!  The State Patrolman was cute AND it was a sunny day!

I called my dad to help me put gas in my gas can and, when we arrived back at my car, I committed the biggest crime east of the Mississippi: I pumped my gas into the car.  Yeah, I hear you laughing!  I’ll have you know, it’s illegal here in Jersey to pump your own gas.  Should that sweet, HOT State Patrolman come back around, he might have arrested me.  Worse yet, POLICE BRUTALITY could have occurred, and who wants that?!  I’m just sayin’.

All kidding aside, I should know better not to let my gas go that low.  Over the course of my last relationship, there were multiple times when I was told to keep my gas tank at least half-full.  Did I learn my lesson?  Evidently not.

Generally speaking, my kids are great helpers — especially when we are at the grocery store, and especially when they have a list of their own to mark off. A couple of weeks ago, I instructed Mary to take our Flip camera with her during a trip to the store with my mom, who would ask her to look for several things (à la scavenger hunt).

The two of them logged several short videos, all of which are hilarious. Here is one of Mary searching for cucumbers.

If you’d like to see more, you can check out:

Writing to Sanity on YouTube

There are Ten Commandments, my friends, and I’ve broken nearly all of them at one point or another. Sometimes repeatedly.

I had a real moment of truth in the not-so-distant past, while I was sitting with a small group of friends during fellowship at my church. My moment of truth had to do with the hypocrisy of claiming to be a Christian, yet consistently subscribing to the “do as I say, not as I do” way of living. Is this where you’re at these days? I know I am not alone.

I was raised Roman Catholic and converted to Nazarene in 2007 so, for the past thirty years of my life, I have called myself a “Christian” alongside the rest of the estimated 33% of world-wide peoples who claim to be Christians. (You can view the pie chart in a larger size if you click on it.) I can’t help but wonder how many of those 33% of people noted struggle daily, as I do, with self-hypocrisy.

Read the rest of this post on New Jersey Moms Blog.

I’m around, I swear.

I’m still having trouble finding a balance between making money and having fun.  For me, finding a job with benefits and great pay should have been my top priority, and it’s become painfully obvious that it hasn’t been.  I thought it was, but I guess it wasn’t.

Part of the reason I’ve been MIA for a while is I’ve been helping my Pastor out with office duties.  And, with all the snow the east coast has had, my kids have been home more… which isn’t really conducive to writing, since they want to be (and SHOULD be) spending time one-on-one with me.  Besides, with only one computer in the house, if we’re snowed in from school, chances are my parents are here needing to dial-in to work.

Some of you know that, recently, I re-started a business I’ve been working off and on for the past several years, but, while it’s been a great way for me to get my name out there, it’s not paying my bills yet.  A friend asked me to help with some data entry last week, and will be receiving some compensation for that, but I have arrived at the point where things around the house are becoming stressful and I don’t want them to be.  I can feel myself slowly sliding back into my old ways of not giving a crap about anything or anyone but myself, and that has to stop.

I want to write every day.  I need to write every day.  But I can’t be so hard on myself if I don’t.  (Which I have been — hard on myself that is.  You wouldn’t believe the mental crap I put myself through!)

Therefore, I’ve decided to take the following steps to regain consciousness in my immediate future (which, hopefully, will translate into the far future, as well):

1. Become stronger in my relationship with God and His Word. This means I will devote, at least, 15 minutes a day to learning/studying, praying/meditating and praising.
2. Become more attentive to Ethan and Mary. This is where it gets tricky.  I know what I need to do, but I can get so overwhelmed with everything, I shut down.  I can’t do this.  I need to get back on the ball with working out of my Household Notebook and just. freaking. do it.
3. Put some real effort into my job search. Sure, I’ve been “trying”, but how hard?  I have pooh-poohed working at a less than stellar job, but I need to have SOME money to buy gas and things I’d like to treat my kids to, like going bowling.
4. Keep moving. Keeping up on household duties, exercising daily… and keeping my kids moving, too.  We had a really great system at our last home, why did I let that go?

Enough about me, though.  What have YOU been up to while I’ve been MIA?

I had a rough year in 2009. In fact, when I first moved to New Jersey in October, I published my traumatic journey on New Jersey Moms Blog: “God’s meter is broken.”  To re-cap, some of the life-changing events:

I lost my job the day before my 30th birthday, my cat died, I was officially divorced and started a new visitation plan with my ex and our kids, I moved in with my boyfriend of over a year… and, after he deemed our relationship inconvenient to the lifestyle he most-desired, my kids and I moved to New Jersey to live with my parents.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to all of you that I was medically diagnosed soon after with situational depression and began taking medication to help me overcome that.

After struggling emotionally and mentally to confirm my self-worth based solely on my experiences over the past year, I listened to a trusted leader in my church who spoke about remaining “forward in thinking” in 2010.  I decided then and there that I would not wish for the good ol’ days, and I would not (could not) allow my fear and shame to hold me back anymore.  And, for the most part, I’ve moved forward successfully.

What I’ve discovered, though, since I made the choice on New Year’s Eve, is that I tend to perpetually be in “shut-down” mode.  I’ve noticed it before through-out the years, but more so these days.  Why is that?  I wonder.  Why do I approach nearly every situation head-on at first, only to shut-down any time something bad happens?  I want to just stick my head in the sand and hope to God the problem doesn’t linger.  I have so many aspirations for myself, I just can’t seem to disconnect the habit of walking with my face down in the sand.

Why am I so fearful of life?

Last week, my mom and I headed to the Big Apple to check out some new (to me) sights and sounds.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to see and do — I mean, I’m completely satisfied to sit and people-watch on the subway, at this point. In the end, we saw the Empire State Building, John Lennon’s last residence, Central Park, Columbus Circle, and ate some really great food!

Here are pictures from our jaunt — see if you recognize any of the buildings/places, and a virtual high-five to the first person who finds the picture of the place where the RMS Titanic would have docked, had it made it’s final stop on the fateful trip in 1912.

Today has been an interesting day. After looking like death warmed over this morning, Mary stayed home from school today; it looks like she’s developed a sinus infection. True to every child her age (she claims she’s eight, but she’s really six), she wanted to play all day… instead, I forced her to watch a movie and chill all day until Ethan arrived home from school. I know, I know… I’m SUCH a mean mom.

Ethan was bent out of shape at first that he couldn’t stay home from school but, when he left, he was all giggles and air kisses. We’ll see what he says when Mary stays home from school again, tomorrow.