Writing to Sanity

Today is the first day since last October that I’ve been able to look at some of my older entries at Writing to Sanity.

You see, when I moved to New Jersey at that time, I wanted nothing to do with my old life – good, bad, indifferent, it didn’t matter anymore.  Shattered beyond recognition, I refused to believe that I had written those earlier entries.

I can’t say much more now.  I will note that, because of a conversation I had with the Grasshopper today, I am ready to sneak a peek at where I was at emotionally and mentally before this life-altering time in New Jersey.  I’m not completely ready to re-publish EVERYTHING, but I will when I’m ready.

Here’s where I was ONE YEAR AGO.  (Interestingly enough, I was making a life-altering change then, too.)

Have you ever heard the “ding!” of your gas gauge and ignored it until you ran out of gas on the side of a highway or busy road?  No?  Me either.

Right.

I had my first (and hopefully, LAST) incident today while driving to a client’s house.  It was one of those situations where I knew I was low, but thought I had enough to get me where I was going, and I could get gas on my way home later.  Notsomuch.  I was sorta praying it was a faulty fuse that’s been known to give me trouble, but… hey, not a total loss!  The State Patrolman was cute AND it was a sunny day!

I called my dad to help me put gas in my gas can and, when we arrived back at my car, I committed the biggest crime east of the Mississippi: I pumped my gas into the car.  Yeah, I hear you laughing!  I’ll have you know, it’s illegal here in Jersey to pump your own gas.  Should that sweet, HOT State Patrolman come back around, he might have arrested me.  Worse yet, POLICE BRUTALITY could have occurred, and who wants that?!  I’m just sayin’.

All kidding aside, I should know better not to let my gas go that low.  Over the course of my last relationship, there were multiple times when I was told to keep my gas tank at least half-full.  Did I learn my lesson?  Evidently not.

There are Ten Commandments, my friends, and I’ve broken nearly all of them at one point or another. Sometimes repeatedly.

I had a real moment of truth in the not-so-distant past, while I was sitting with a small group of friends during fellowship at my church. My moment of truth had to do with the hypocrisy of claiming to be a Christian, yet consistently subscribing to the “do as I say, not as I do” way of living. Is this where you’re at these days? I know I am not alone.

I was raised Roman Catholic and converted to Nazarene in 2007 so, for the past thirty years of my life, I have called myself a “Christian” alongside the rest of the estimated 33% of world-wide peoples who claim to be Christians. (You can view the pie chart in a larger size if you click on it.) I can’t help but wonder how many of those 33% of people noted struggle daily, as I do, with self-hypocrisy.

Read the rest of this post on New Jersey Moms Blog.

I’m around, I swear.

I’m still having trouble finding a balance between making money and having fun.  For me, finding a job with benefits and great pay should have been my top priority, and it’s become painfully obvious that it hasn’t been.  I thought it was, but I guess it wasn’t.

Part of the reason I’ve been MIA for a while is I’ve been helping my Pastor out with office duties.  And, with all the snow the east coast has had, my kids have been home more… which isn’t really conducive to writing, since they want to be (and SHOULD be) spending time one-on-one with me.  Besides, with only one computer in the house, if we’re snowed in from school, chances are my parents are here needing to dial-in to work.

Some of you know that, recently, I re-started a business I’ve been working off and on for the past several years, but, while it’s been a great way for me to get my name out there, it’s not paying my bills yet.  A friend asked me to help with some data entry last week, and will be receiving some compensation for that, but I have arrived at the point where things around the house are becoming stressful and I don’t want them to be.  I can feel myself slowly sliding back into my old ways of not giving a crap about anything or anyone but myself, and that has to stop.

I want to write every day.  I need to write every day.  But I can’t be so hard on myself if I don’t.  (Which I have been — hard on myself that is.  You wouldn’t believe the mental crap I put myself through!)

Therefore, I’ve decided to take the following steps to regain consciousness in my immediate future (which, hopefully, will translate into the far future, as well):

1. Become stronger in my relationship with God and His Word. This means I will devote, at least, 15 minutes a day to learning/studying, praying/meditating and praising.
2. Become more attentive to Ethan and Mary. This is where it gets tricky.  I know what I need to do, but I can get so overwhelmed with everything, I shut down.  I can’t do this.  I need to get back on the ball with working out of my Household Notebook and just. freaking. do it.
3. Put some real effort into my job search. Sure, I’ve been “trying”, but how hard?  I have pooh-poohed working at a less than stellar job, but I need to have SOME money to buy gas and things I’d like to treat my kids to, like going bowling.
4. Keep moving. Keeping up on household duties, exercising daily… and keeping my kids moving, too.  We had a really great system at our last home, why did I let that go?

Enough about me, though.  What have YOU been up to while I’ve been MIA?

I had a rough year in 2009. In fact, when I first moved to New Jersey in October, I published my traumatic journey on New Jersey Moms Blog: “God’s meter is broken.”  To re-cap, some of the life-changing events:

I lost my job the day before my 30th birthday, my cat died, I was officially divorced and started a new visitation plan with my ex and our kids, I moved in with my boyfriend of over a year… and, after he deemed our relationship inconvenient to the lifestyle he most-desired, my kids and I moved to New Jersey to live with my parents.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to all of you that I was medically diagnosed soon after with situational depression and began taking medication to help me overcome that.

After struggling emotionally and mentally to confirm my self-worth based solely on my experiences over the past year, I listened to a trusted leader in my church who spoke about remaining “forward in thinking” in 2010.  I decided then and there that I would not wish for the good ol’ days, and I would not (could not) allow my fear and shame to hold me back anymore.  And, for the most part, I’ve moved forward successfully.

What I’ve discovered, though, since I made the choice on New Year’s Eve, is that I tend to perpetually be in “shut-down” mode.  I’ve noticed it before through-out the years, but more so these days.  Why is that?  I wonder.  Why do I approach nearly every situation head-on at first, only to shut-down any time something bad happens?  I want to just stick my head in the sand and hope to God the problem doesn’t linger.  I have so many aspirations for myself, I just can’t seem to disconnect the habit of walking with my face down in the sand.

Why am I so fearful of life?

Last week, my mom and I headed to the Big Apple to check out some new (to me) sights and sounds.  I wasn’t sure what I wanted to see and do — I mean, I’m completely satisfied to sit and people-watch on the subway, at this point. In the end, we saw the Empire State Building, John Lennon’s last residence, Central Park, Columbus Circle, and ate some really great food!

Here are pictures from our jaunt — see if you recognize any of the buildings/places, and a virtual high-five to the first person who finds the picture of the place where the RMS Titanic would have docked, had it made it’s final stop on the fateful trip in 1912.

I am absolutely infatuated with the idea of Love and Logic.  For those of you who are unfamiliar with it, “Love and Logic is a philosophy of raising and teaching children which allows adults to be happier, empowered, and more skilled in the interactions with children. Love allows children to grow through their mistakes. Logic allows children to live with the consequences of their choices. Love and Logic is a way of working with children that puts parents and teachers back in control, teaches children to be responsible, and prepares young people to live in the real world, with its many choices and consequences.”  (read more) This philosophy founded by Jim Fay and Foster W. Cline, M.D., based on a combined total of over 75 years experience working with and raising kids.

Here’s an example of the technique in action, from the website (www.loveandlogic.com):

Dad: “Oh, no. You left your bike unlocked and it was stolen. What a bummer. I bet you feel awful. Well, I understand how easy it is to make a mistake like that.” (Notice that the parent is not leading with anger, intimidation, or threats.)

Dad then adds, “And you’ll have another bike as soon as you can earn enough money to pay for it. I paid for the first one. You can pay for the additional ones.”

Love and Logic parents know that no child is going to accept this without an argument, but Love and Logic parents can handle arguments. Jim Fay advises “just go brain-dead.” This means that parents don’t try to argue or match wits with the child. They simply repeat, as many times as necessary, “I love you too much to argue.” No matter what argument the child uses, the parent responds “I love you too much to argue.” Parents who learn how to use these techniques completely change, for the better, their relationships with kids and take control of the home in loving ways.

As I am working to become an effective Love and Logic parent, there are many things that I continue to struggle with when it comes to disciplining my two school-aged kids. The one thing I can ALWAYS remember is: “I love you too much to argue.” It’s amazing, the power of one itsy-bitsy sentence! Time and time again, if I say the phrase lovingly, I will have diffused the situation and the child moves on. Ethan and Mary have learned that, when I say this phrase, I’ve made my decision and I don’t wish to discuss anything further.

Some more effective one-liners offered by the Love and Logic technique:

“Probably so.”
“I know.”
“Nice try.”
“I bet it feels that way.” (I’ve used this one with success as well)
“What do you think you’re going to do?”
“I don’t know. What do you think?”
“Bummer. How sad.” (My sister-in-law uses this one)
“Thanks for sharing that.”
“Don’t worry about it now.”
“That’s an option.”
“I bet that’s true.”
“Maybe you’ll like what we have for the next meal better.”
“What do you think I think about that?”
“I’m not sure how to react to that. I’ll have to get back to you on it.”
“I’ll let you know what will work for me.”
“I’ll love you wherever you live.”

Are you a Love and Logic parent? Tell me how old your kids are and the ways you are finding success with this method.

Ethan and Mary and I joined our church friends in saying goodbye to 2009 by playing games, sharing delicious snacks and, at the end of the night, coming together in prayer with God’s Word — it was, by far, the best New Year’s Eve I have ever experienced.

I don’t know how it is at your house, but I haven’t made a New Year’s resolution in years and years… most likely because I could never seem to keep them up due to my attention span being like that of a gnat when it comes to follow-up.  Maybe I haven’t kept up because I just don’t know how to make my resolutions stick.  In any case, because 2009 was so traumatic for me, I must approach the coming year with a stronger mentality and complete faithfulness that God will provide, so, while I’ve decided to keep what I learned through Kwanzaa on my mind and heart this year, I will keep His Word on my mind and heart as well.

My resolution for 2010: to use the following verse to guide me in all I do:

Jesus replied, “No one who puts his hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.” – Luke 9:62 (New International Version)

Thanks to a fellow Christian who belongs to the same church that I do, I have a simple way of remembering this verse:

This year, I will strive to be FIT: Forward In Thinking.

Although they are a part of who I am and where I’ve been, I will not allow myself to dwell on (what I might have thought of as) the “good ol’ days.” As the sun rises and sets, I will consistently move forward. I will not allow my fear or shame to slow me down again.

Do you take part in making resolutions for the New Year? In the comments, tell me what your resolution is this year and why you are choosing to concentrate on that part of your life.

Today, January 1, is the last day in the celebration of Kwanzaa, an annual festival that lasts seven days, from December 26 to January 1. It was created as a cultural festival in 1966 by Maulana Karenga, in an effort to encourage African-Americans to think about their African roots and develop a higher African-American consciousness. It is a commemoration of heritage and togetherness.

There are seven principles of Kwanzaa: unity, self-determination, collective work and responsibility, cooperative economics, purpose, creativity and faith. These guiding principles teach values we tend to lose in a more modern world, and we should bring people together to remind us how important we are to each other.  (Say it with me now: people good, Crackberry bad!)

Until this year, I had no idea what Kwanzaa was, other than a holiday for African-Americans.  What I haven’t realized all these years is that, while Kwanzaa was intended for African-Americans, the basic message applies to all peoples of the world: Caucasian, Hispanic, Asian… and everyone in-between.  I should have been paying more attention!

It is my goal (and a challenge to you, as well) for 2010 that I observe the seven principles of Kwanzaa throughout the year and, over the next month, I’ll be devoting time to memorizing Eji Ogbe / The Odu Ifa:

K’a má fi kánjú j’aiyé.
K’a má fi wàrà-wàrà n’okùn orò.
Ohun à bâ if s’àgbà,
K’a má if se’binu.
Bi a bá de’bi t’o tútù,
K’a simi-simi,
K’a wò’wajú ojo lo titi;
K’a tun bò wá r’èhìn oràn wo;
Nitori àti sùn ara eni ni.

Let us not engage the world hurriedly.
Let us not grasp at the rope of wealth impatiently.
That which should be treated with mature judgment,
Let us not deal with in a state of anger.
When we arrive at a cool place,
Let us rest fully;
Let us give continuous attention to the future;
and let us give deep consideration to the consequences of things.
And this because of our (eventual) passing.

Seems to be an especially appropriate time to set the Kwanzaa meditation to memory as we approach the birthday of one of our greatest civil rights leaders, Martin Luther King, Jr.  Won’t you join me?

To obtain more information regarding this celebration, including answers to fundamental questions, visit the official Kwanzaa website.

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