Writing to Sanity

Adventures of a single mom living in New Jersey.

Perpetual shut-down mode

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shutdown Perpetual shut down modeI had a rough year in 2009. In fact, when I first moved to New Jersey in October, I published my traumatic journey on New Jersey Moms Blog: “God’s meter is broken.”  To re-cap, some of the life-changing events:

I lost my job the day before my 30th birthday, my cat died, I was officially divorced and started a new visitation plan with my ex and our kids, I moved in with my boyfriend of over a year… and, after he deemed our relationship inconvenient to the lifestyle he most-desired, my kids and I moved to New Jersey to live with my parents.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to all of you that I was medically diagnosed soon after with situational depression and began taking medication to help me overcome that.

After struggling emotionally and mentally to confirm my self-worth based solely on my experiences over the past year, I listened to a trusted leader in my church who spoke about remaining “forward in thinking” in 2010.  I decided then and there that I would not wish for the good ol’ days, and I would not (could not) allow my fear and shame to hold me back anymore.  And, for the most part, I’ve moved forward successfully.

What I’ve discovered, though, since I made the choice on New Year’s Eve, is that I tend to perpetually be in “shut-down” mode.  I’ve noticed it before through-out the years, but more so these days.  Why is that?  I wonder.  Why do I approach nearly every situation head-on at first, only to shut-down any time something bad happens?  I want to just stick my head in the sand and hope to God the problem doesn’t linger.  I have so many aspirations for myself, I just can’t seem to disconnect the habit of walking with my face down in the sand.

Why am I so fearful of life?

Desiree



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Written by Desiree

February 3rd, 2010 at 2:18 pm

Posted in Bits of (In)Sanity, Blog, Life and Love

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  • I find that due to a lot going on over the years that I have become fearful of life too. You have been through a lot in a short period. As long as you keep forward thinking Im sure that those fears will calm. At least that is what I tell myself anyway. I have been doing the forward thinking thing too.
  • writingtosanity
    Hi, Lucy! Thanks so much for stopping by and responding.

    I think some people in my life believe that if I keep busy, I will be able to pass through all of this nonsense more easily. I know it's not wise to dwell on things too much, but I guess I'm not sure when enough is enough sometimes. That's why the forward-thinking does me some good. I stopped feeling sorry for myself, but I still have those pangs of regret that I exposed my kids to hurt I can never take back.
  • Very courageous of you to share this... I can certainly relate. I feel like I have all the 'tools' in my toolbox to theoretically help me reconstruct my life, but somehow, I just don't utilize them very often. It seems so overwhelming at times. I keep reading inspirational books, and seeking out inspirational wisdom online, and I hope it will help by osmosis, but it just doesn't. I end up overtired and unenergized. However, I think I'm making some small steps forward.

    Bottom line is, you need to give yourself time to heal. You have been through so many life-altering crises, in a short period of time. Even though you're making a conscious effort to change your thoughts to 'forward thinking', which is awesome, it's going to take your body time to catch up. Keep thinking those positive thoughts, and you will create a new reality for yourself. There is, however, a lag time, for your physical reality to catch up with your thoughts. Keep faith and believe that change is imminent, and already on its way (as in the message of "The Secret"). The vision board will help with this too! Other suggestions are to join a women's prayer/meditation group, and to join a support group for separated/divorced men and women. I've recently done so, and am really enjoying it.
  • writingtosanity
    Linda, thanks for commenting so candidly. I wish I was more open about my feelings and such, because I *know* I'm not alone in this. That being said, I have archives from the past few years just hidden here. Maybe someday I'll allow those to be read again.

    Listen, I have been very lucky to have the opportunity to participate in a ladies bible study at my church, and I've recently joined a divorce group in another town. I don't know where I would be without my friends and our Pastor.
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