I had a rough year in 2009. In fact, when I first moved to New Jersey in October, I published my traumatic journey on New Jersey Moms Blog: “God’s meter is broken.” To re-cap, some of the life-changing events:
I lost my job the day before my 30th birthday, my cat died, I was officially divorced and started a new visitation plan with my ex and our kids, I moved in with my boyfriend of over a year… and, after he deemed our relationship inconvenient to the lifestyle he most-desired, my kids and I moved to New Jersey to live with my parents.
I’m sure it comes as no surprise to all of you that I was medically diagnosed soon after with situational depression and began taking medication to help me overcome that.
After struggling emotionally and mentally to confirm my self-worth based solely on my experiences over the past year, I listened to a trusted leader in my church who spoke about remaining “forward in thinking” in 2010. I decided then and there that I would not wish for the good ol’ days, and I would not (could not) allow my fear and shame to hold me back anymore. And, for the most part, I’ve moved forward successfully.
What I’ve discovered, though, since I made the choice on New Year’s Eve, is that I tend to perpetually be in “shut-down” mode. I’ve noticed it before through-out the years, but more so these days. Why is that? I wonder. Why do I approach nearly every situation head-on at first, only to shut-down any time something bad happens? I want to just stick my head in the sand and hope to God the problem doesn’t linger. I have so many aspirations for myself, I just can’t seem to disconnect the habit of walking with my face down in the sand.
Why am I so fearful of life?